The Bookshelf: January 2009

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

--A Written Response By The Swanky Cullom J. McC.

OK, so, the first thing that you might be noticing is that the title of this review is unoriginal--just like Twilight! I know that there are people out there who hail Twilight as the BEST BOOK EVER but that is not true. Meaning literally since literature is an art form, there is no such thing as the "best book ever" and there never will be. I'm going to be brutally honest with the people reading this--you might not like what you read. Aside from Twilight being a marketing miracle, it is a literary piece of [junk] (librarian editting). Just promise not to bludgeon/assault/beat me in real life for expressing my opinion. Now let it be known that I don't hate Twilight. I also do not love Twilight.
So, now that we have that little bit out of the way, we can get to the real review of Twilight. Twilight starts out with Bella, a girl who has just moved from her mother's home in Pheonix to her father's home in Forks. Bella starts out as many main characters in a book who do this do: ANGSTY. VERY, VERY, ANGSTY. It also doesn't help that she is about 17 years of age.
On the very first day at her new school, Bella is accepted and welcomed by plenty of people who are more than genuinely trying to be her friend. That lucky little--ahem. Sorry. It's just that that just doesn't happen at a high school. If I were in her shoes, I would be extremely nervous (which she was, just not as much as I would have been) , considering that teens are the most judgemental people on the planet. Anyways, Bella sees Edward Cullen (cue legions upon legions of screaming girls from 12-18) sitting at practically, his families own private lunch room table.
Now, before I go on, if you discard Edward's sheer looks, then he is one absolute MESS of a character. Seriously. He's what you would get if you combined Shadow the Hedgehog with Harry Potter and Peter Parker. I mean, It's easy to make a character and call it a person and have them act accordingly. It is, however, an entirely different thing to create a true fictional PERSON and give them realistic emotions and actions, and, basically, play a fictitious GOD. But enough about that not-so-minor snag in the story. So, shortly after seeing Edward, Bella gets to sit next to him in Biology. Only, Edward is a complete JERK. A moody, rude, jerk. So, after this, Edward goes missing for a week, the comes back, only this time, someone remembers their manners and colored contact lenses, apparently. As soon as Bella notices that his eyes had changed color, he immediately denies it.
And so, within the next chapter or so, Bella almost gets squished by a truck. For those of you who have read Twilight, you know how much of a saving grace this could have been. Instead, Edward had to be the hero, and save a life...what a jerk. So afterwords, Bella still has a bunch of bumps and bruises, so she gets sent to the hospital where Dr. Carlisle Cullen (cue more squealing girls?) who is Edward's adoptive father. Dr. Carlisle pulls Edward aside for a talk in the hall. And guess what: Bella eves drops on them, just to set an example for every impressionable teen reader and main character.
And then, later on, just to throw this novel even deeper into the horrid harlequin romance genre, Bella dreams about Edward. Later on, the reader discovers that there is a blood type activity in science today. Conveniently, Edward is missing, and even more so conveniently, Bella becomes faint at the sight of blood, so she is exempt from class in order to be taken to the nurse's office by her friend named Mike. Midway, however, this duo is interrupted by (ooohhhh eeeemmmmmm gggggeeeeeeeeeee) Edward. Edward then tells Bella (I kid you not) the importance of skipping classes.
Later on, we finally get to go to La Push. For those of you who don't know, La Push is a beach on an Indian reserve that Bella and friends are planning on going to that I didn't deem important enough to mention earlier. While at La Push, the gang starts to solve the mystery of the anctient Indian reserve with their trusty talking dog at their side. Just kidding. I just had to say that. But seriously. Here's where Jacob comes into the story (cue less legions of squealing girls than were cued for Edwards appearance) by, again, I kid you not, Bella hitting on him in order to get information about the myths of his tribe to find out more about the Cullens.
Now, if you haven't read Twilight yet, then skip this paragraph. I'm simply asking how a tribe (I forgot their name, OK?) that stays in one place all the time would know about a family of vampires that keeps moving everywhere and never comes back to the same place? I mean, If there's supposed to be this ancient treaty signed between the Cullens and this tribe or something, then why would they come back? I mean, How can they be so sure that someone from this tribe of Indians won't tell the towns people about it, and wouldn't you know it, one idiot believing him, telling the media, and cause a massive uproar all over the world, thus not only exposing the Cullens, but the existence of vampires everywhere else, too? Sounds like a plot hole to me.
Anyways, now that that other bit's over, we can move on. So, the following night, Bella dreams about, of course, Edward Cullen. Only this dream doesn't scream "romance." It's a dream of Bella's friends telling her to run from something while they are all in a forest. So what? Standard scary dream. So, what makes this particular dream stand out? This dream is just FILLED with not-so-thinly veiled spoilers. First, Edward has fangs. Second, Jacob appears and turns into a wolf, then attacks Edward. The newly injured wolf falls to the ground, and then Bella wakes up.
Today, Bella has arranged to go with some friends to Port Angeles in order to help them pick out dresses. Yep. I'm absolutely sure that this situation is totally baron of plot devices, and not some cheap ruse to put the main character in danger in order to have some handsome, incredibly cool guy come to the rescue. If this is what you thought when you read the first sentence of this paragraph, then you guessed wrong. That is EXACTLY what this situation is. It starts of as Bella's thinly veiled plan to find a book store that sells books on the legends of Jacob's tribe (plot hole growth count: +1). So, when she becomes lost in the city, (played idea count: +1) some men appear and want to do things to her (played idea count: +1). That's when Edward the brave and the bold comes to her rescue (played idea count: +1). And then afterwards, Edward explains everything about the vampires of this world by breaking just about every classic rule of vampires, and that he can read minds, only not Bella's......wait, what!? No seriously, what's with that!? And next, Edward starts driving Bella to school. I thought that this guy was trying to HIDE the fact that he was a vampire. Therefore, shouldn't he only meet with Bella in private if he loves her that much? And contrary to what he keeps saying, that he's dangerous and that she shouldn't be around him, then why does he keep coming to her? (plot hole growth count: +1)
Now, on their way to school, Edward lets Bella ask him questions about him and his vampire self. Well, I just might be insane enough to have common sense, but if I were Edward, I would keep these kinds of things on a need-to-know basis (plot hole growth count: +1). Also, at school, they talk about Edward's dietary habits. They talk about this while other people are staring right at them in the middle of a school cafeteria (plot hole growth count: +1).
All right, now this next scene is funny. During Biology today, the students have to watch a video. Only, instead of watching the video, Bella decides to try and refrain from touching Edward's face in the darkness by pressing her fists against her rib cage. Again, what? Afterwards, Edward escorts Bella to her gym class, where she has an argument with Mike. After that, Edward takes Bella outside to the parking lot and see a large group of boys staring, eyes full of lust, at Edward's adoptive sister, Rosa-Lee's................................car. When they finally make it to Edward's car, Edward explains how his family hunts. I need to know why a human outside of the vampire world needs to know this much about vampires. Seriously, need to know basis, man (plot hole growth count: +1). The next day, during Edward and Bella's drive to school, it's Edward's turn to ask the questions. And I don't mean heart felt, "what's it like to be human" or "do you think that vampires are so very horrible compared to humans" questions, I mean ones like, "what's your favorite color, etc." This continues for the entire day. Near the end of the day, when Edward takes Bella home, Billy, Jacob's father and his tribe's elder, comes down the street. Billy recognizes Edward instantly as soon as they drive by each other. Build up for the main plot? I don't think so. Not till chapter 17.
In this next chapter, Billy comes over for a visit and watches the game with Charlie. Throughout this scene, Bella is worried that Billy might tell Charlie about Edward, despite the fact that exposing Edward would also do more harm than good to his tribe as well. The reader hears about how Jacob's car that he is constructing still needs parts. The reader also learns that Edward will be asking MORE questions. Only this time, Edward shows his perverted side, and let's Bella know how good she looks. He also gets to show off his families talent for breaking and entering skills by revealing that they have to leave for the latter half of the school day in order to go hunting. This is the excuse that allows Alice, Edward's other sister-in-law, to break in to her house and retrieve her car keys for the truck because she had been driven to school by Edward. But before this, Edward and Bella make plans to go somewhere alone on Saturday. Yeah. Now, once they get there, things get really weird, and for some people, kind of creepy. Once they finish driving there, Edward and Bella get out and Bella hangs onto Edward's back as they run through a forest and come into a clearing. Now, before I move on, I just wanted to point out how much more "romantic" this next chapter would be if this had happened: what if Bella was so shocked by going so fast, that she lost control of her bodily functions? And now that they're in said clearing/meadow thingy, we're going to break one of the biggest rules of vampires there is: Edward finally steps into direct sunlight.

So, the first half of the Twilight review is over. Now, get ready for the second half.....if you're not trying to find a battle axe to slaughter me with yet.

Now, in this next chapter, Edward shows his Shadow the hedge hog side, his emo side, and so, so many others. First, he unbuttons his shirt (cue fainting fan girls) and steps into sunlight and doesn't burn, melt, or turn to ash, he SPARKLES. I kid you not. Next he let's Bella caress his body (no not like that, wipe that smirk off your face) Then he gets mad and throws a branch, runs around a meadow in a nanosecond, and then lets Bella touch him again (and again with those smirks!). Afterwords Stephenie Meyers couldn't decide whether or not Edward was happy or emo, and tells Bella that she is as valuable to him as heroine,and Edward and Bella have their first kiss.
Next, Edward drives Bella back home. They then make another date to meet Edward's adoptive family. Here, I'll make a list with back stories and special abilities for you.
1. Edward--Was dying at a hospital in Chicago of the Spanish flu: mind reader
2. Carlisle--Was bitten by a vampire on a hunt FOR a vampire: unknown
3. Esm'e--Jumped off of a cliff because her baby died: unknown
4. Rosa-Lee--Was to marry a very rich, powerful man, until he and his friends got drunk, did things to her and left her to die: tenacity
5. Emmet--Was dying out in the wilderness when Rosa-Lee found him: strength
6. Alice--Origin unknown until climax: precognition
7. Jasper--Became depressed and wandered off, found dying on the side of the road: controls feelings

That covers a lot. But then, ooohhhh boy, here comes the main plot. FINALLY! Alice predicts that there will be a storm later on, and so, by some alien logic, they decide that this is a good time for them to play base ball. Later they explain that they need the thunder in order to disguise the sound of them using the bat. Also, vampires apparently cheat at base ball. but hey, these vampires cheat at being vampires in general. Now, here's where it finally kicks up--3 vampires alter their course and head for them, because they want to play base ball too. They then realize that Bella is a human, because a wayward breeze blows the scent of her hair towards the 3 renegade vampires. Oh, can't you just SMELL the dominance issues in the air?
So, after this, everyone agrees to leave. only, one of the vampires, James, was especially interested in Bella. One of the other renegades, Laurent, tells them to be careful. While on the get away, Bella is forced to break her father's heart with the same wordsthat her mother used to crush it looooong ago, and in a galaxy much, much, the same. So, Edward and Bella are seperated, and they both become VERY ANGSTY AND STUFF. Edward gets to go with Carlisle while Bella is stuck with Jasper and Alice.
While Bella is in the hotel with Alice, Alice explains to Bella yet another way that the vampires in this world break the rules--they're venomous, too.........wait, what!? Also, while Bella is at the hotel, she gets a phone call from James telling her to come to a specific place alone or he will kill her mother (played idea count: +1). And so, she goes alone....really....just...just...wow....
But not before some emo time on a bus. Then she goes alone.
James meets her in a Ballet studio.
Bella gets to hear Alice's origin story.
Bella gets knocked out via blood loss.
Bella hears the voice of an "angel" in her dreams.
Bella wakes up in a hospital bed.
Bella goes to prom.
Edward kisses Bella on the neck.
This review ending has an unfulfilling ending.

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Book Review: Twilight

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